Monday 23 June 2014

I demands a recount peoples!

I might be smilin peoples, but that is just for the camera. Tonight at skool Jazz wonned the 'gility course. She gots the fastest time of evry1. 

And I gots number 4. 

Somfink smells fishi, peoples. Very fishi.

Lets e'zamine the evidens.

1 - Every nite we 'as to 'ave ham. 4 pieces. I sees Mummy addin bits to sum of the ham pieces. I has chekded peoples. My ham is empty. Very, very, EMPTY.

Spicous, I finks.

2 - Every week we 'ave been goin 2 massage. Jazz gets rubbed all over by the nurse while I gets to lie on the floor and be ignoreded. These peoples don't no who I is! This rubbin stuff is sup'osed to be for her afritis. In her shoulder.

Seems, like a condi...dition....fing that would slow her down. Spicous more.

3 - Swimin. Every week for her afritis we has to go to hidroferapi. The lady takes her in a huge bath of clean warm water and makes her swim. I has a go 2, 'cos I is Merlin de First.

Again, this would leads me, Merlin de First, Queen of all I surveys, to fink she be slower...not faster than before. Much spicous. 

So, peoples this is my evidens. Jazz 'as afritis so no ways cud she beats me in a fair race. I read 'bout 'formance e'hancin drugs on the tinterweb, peoples. 

I finks we shud take a close look at that ham. That's all I'm sayin.


Tuesday 3 June 2014

Proud

Peoples, today we has to be nice to my mummy 'cos she is a big riter winna. This morning she woked me up--all singing, it was a bit scary cos she's normally sleep till lunch time even when she's walking around--and tolded me that she wonded a lamba ward for cleva riters.

It's for her book called Clean Slate and she's ded proud of it. She told me it was about a lady who losted her memry and thinked she was a kid agen. It's got some funni bits in it. Made me laff and stuff...don't tell mummy but I didn't get the big words she used sumtimes. But she haves me a link to the ward tinterweb site. 

http://www.lambdaliterary.org

It's big stuffs...parently



I fink I wants a lamba chop ward when I grow up...mmmmm, lamb....


*aside note from Merlin's mother --it's called a Lambda Literary Award for best Lesbian Romance. My novel Clean Slate was the winner. Thanks for the shout out, Merlin...now get your paws off my phone and go play with your ball!*


She obvisly doesn't know who I am, peoples.

Sunday 18 May 2014

A MONSTA!!!

Peoples I has only just recoved. Yes'erday, Mummy and the 'Uman took us somewhere new. Somewhere I had neva beened befores. We Wentz to Bawsey Pits. Don't know whys it's called that funni name, but it is, and it was sandy, and there was an 'uge big mastatif lake that I went to sit in and cool down. 
That's me...sittin in the water. But that's when I seed it. The MONSTA! It was huge - must 'ave taked up the whole lake underwater but I was supa-pooch. Oh yes. I can hear you laffin, so knock it off. I was very, very, very, very, supa-brave and went exploratising the MONSTA! 

Me!

See.

Explorarising.

Invet...inved..inverest...checking it out.

That's it from Merlin, de first. Still the Queen of all she sees.

Tuesday 17 December 2013

I'm makin' a list, He's checkin' it twice...

I'm makin' a list,
He's checkin' it twice,
He's gonna find out Jazz is naughty, I'm nice.

Santa paws is comin' to me,
Santa paws is comin' to me,
Santa paws is comin' to me...

He sees me chasing cats-ies
He sees me lick Mum's ear.
He knows when Jazz is bad or good
So she's got no chance this year!

So you'd better not eat
Your Mum's bestest shoes
Better not bark
I'm giving you clues

That Santa Paws is comin' to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Fank you, fank you. Fank you, please, fank you.

Last weekends, peoples, I was sevrere...sevarileee...really, really, disdapointed. The 'Uman was supposed to take me to see Santa Paws at the no-dogs shops letting dogs in for Santa Paws only. I was very, very, very, very, muchly, very e'cited 'bout dis. Mummy still can't drive, she's got a 'Uman paw problem. If she could, I knows we would have goned. But we didn't. I didn't get to tell Santa Paws my Christmas list, 'cos the 'Uman had to go work instead. Not good. Not good for Merlin's. If I don't tell Santa Paws what I neeeeeeeeeeed for Christmas he might not get me what I really, really need.

Today, mummy showed me an alternat...alenartiv...altana...another way.

Letta's.

I can send Santa Paws letters wiv my list of demands...I mean needs on. So here's my list, peoples...

Numba 1 - I really really really really really need my own kitten. Failing that a cat that works properly. Mine are broked. I found these options for Santa Paws in case he was stukded.


Numba 2 - I really really really needs a new bowl. Don't mind which eva Santa Paws wants to pick.


Numba 3 - just 'cos Jazz is tubby, I've been livin' on dust and cat poop, it's not 'ceptable peoples. I really really needs a Jurrasic Bone dis big. 



That is all.

I fink I have beened very reasonable in my demands...I mean requests. I've ritted twenty letters, just in case, but if you all could add them to your Santa Paws lists for me too...just in case, that would be e'cellent. 

Fank you please, Merlin rules.



_____ Come and meet Merlin and Jazz at Deepdale Backpackers & Camping on the beautiful north Norfolk coast http://www.deepdalebackpackers.co.uk

Saturday 7 December 2013

The Deepdale Christmas Story



It was the day before Christmas, and Deepdale was ready for everyone. Jazz, Merlin, and Effy greeted every guest with a paw, and then asked them to throwtheir ball. While they were all stroked and fussedSophie, the manager, was worried because of a booking that cancelled at the last minute. But the three wise pup’s of East Anglia chilled and relaxed, because they knew something special wascoming.

Many miles away, Chihuahua’s Mary and Joe, were bundled quickly into a car. Their two lovely owners, Christian and Angela, had been on the phone and received some very bad news. Now they all had a long way to go, to Norfolkwhere they sought a bed for the night. They tried several hotels and an old B and B, but the answer was always the same. “I’m sorry, my dear’s, I do wish I could help, but were full to the rafters tonight.”

So they kept on going until finally they found Deepdale Backpackers and Camping, with lights around reception, all sparkly and such. They knocked on thedoor when it was quite late at night and told Sophie their problem and asked for a bed for the night. Jazz, Merlin, and Effy all smiled behind their paws while Sophiesighed from relief. She showed them a family room in The Deepdale Old Stableswhere their dogs could stay with them all night. And the star on the roof of thebuilding, twinkled and sparkled with light.

“All I must ask you in regards to the dogs,” Sophie said, “is please don’t take them into communal area’s or leave them alone in the room.”

“But they’re really good dogs, and so very little, they’ll be no trouble I’m sure.” Angela said.

“I’m sure that’s the case, Mrs. Church.” Sophie agreed. “But some other people staying might be allergic to dogs, no matter how small or well behaved.” Christian and Angela quickly agreed and Sophie gladly gave them their keys.

But Christian and Angela were hungry and tired and soon forgot the rules they’d been told. Mary and Joe quickly settled while Christian and Angela decided they needed some food. And no sooner had Mary fallen asleep than they found themselves all alone in their room.

All of a sudden Mary woke with a fright, feeling a terrible pain. “Joe,” cried Mary as she lay on the floor holding her pregnant tummy tight.

“Why is that, my love?”  Asked little Joe.

“The puppies are coming. They’re coming right now, and I fear I may need some help, but Christian and Angela aren’t even here, they probably can’t evenhear me yelp!”

Joe wanted to help her, really he did, but he truly didn’t know how. So Joe closed his eyes and looked to the stars, and made a Christmas wish. He wished someone would help them, and that Mary’d be safe, and for all of his puppies as well.

Perched high on the barn the owl Gabriel watched, and swooped down to the window when he saw Joe’s frown. “Whatever’s the matter, my tiny friend? What has you looking so down?”

“It’s Mary, my wife, she’s gone into labour,” Joe said, “And I wish, that our owners had not gone out for tea. I don’t know what to do, these pup’s are our first, and they’re a few days early, you see.

Don’t worry, Joe, they’ll all be okay.” Gabriel said, “Many pups have been born before today.”

But Joe wasn’t comforted by the wily old owl so Gabriel promised to fetch help,and assured him it was on the way.

Gabriel took to flight, searching the night, but it wasn’t so easy a task. He flew over fields and marshes, looking everywhere. But the rabbits and hares, and mice that he saw, ran away from him, all of them scared. He flew over creakes and the edge sea, but the fish swam as fast as they could. You see all the small animals were prey, and Gabriel had hunted them all in the past. They wouldn’t listen when he told them he needed their help, they feared it was a trick to make them dinner. So he carried on flying and soared over a wood where he found some pheasants and cried.

“Good evening, good fellow, I wonder can you help, there’s some puppies about to be born. Their father’s all flustered and needs a little advice about what to do to help.”

The pheasant laughed. “My dear owl, we have eggs just like you. What would know about birthing puppies? You need four legged friends to offer advice, not the feathered variety tonight.”

“Of course you are right, enjoy your night. Good evening and Merry Christmas to you.” Gabriel chuckled to himself and continued his search looking for the four legged kind, he flew long into the night hoping to find someone who could help.

Several miles away, Gabriel found some horses watching their sheep. Heturned a tight circle and hooted real loud, before he landed nearby on the ground.“Good evening, my friend, I wonder if you could lend, some help with a tricky little problem?

“Good evening, Owl, how can we help you tonight? You don’t normally call as you fly around.” Said the big, strong, chestnut coloured Stallion.

Quickly Gabriel told them of Mary and Joe, and the horses chuckled and smiled.

“Let’s go” said the grey mare, “and offer our help, it won’t be the first time I’ve played midwife. The sheep will be fine, we won’t be far away.

“As you wish.” Said the stallion, as he helped her up from the ground and they followed the owl down the road. They talked softly, laughed gently, as they made their way to see Mary and Joe for themselves. It was a dark, starry night, with few lights in sight, and snowflakes beginning to fall.

While Gabriel searched for his helpful friends, Jazz, Merlin, and Effyexplored. When they reached The Old Stables they heard such a pitiful sound, that they had to follow it till it was found. They knocked on the door and welcomed little Joe like old friends who had met before.

“How’re you doing?” Asked Jazz.

“Thank goodness you’re here, it’s Mary, and our puppies are about to arrive.”

“Then we’re just in time.” Merlin said, as she and Effy wandered inside.

Jazz was the oldest and wisest by far, so she examined Mary and told her, “Not long now.” Merlin and Effy sat by her side, nodding their heads as she spoke. “Go fetch me some towels and water you two, we’ll need to clean off these puppies quite soon.”

“I’ll sniff out the towels.” Effy proclaimed, while Merlin went to look forwater. A few minutes later Effy dropped a small hand towel down. “I’m sorry that’s all I could find.”

Jazz shook her head and thought to herself, ‘Thank goodness these puppies will be small.’ Still there was no sign of Merlin or water when the first little puppy was born. “Merlin, where are you? The puppy is here.”

“I can’t open the tap, I don’t have any thumbs. What else can I do to help?”

“Come clean off this puppy.”

Merlin said, EwwWhy doesn’t Mary do that?”

“She can’t, silly dog, she’s busy right now. Another puppy is on the way.”

Merlin picked up the tiny Chihuahua pup and took it to the bathroom. The sink was still empty but the toilet was full, and Merlin decided it was the only choiceShe was ever so careful to never let go, and washed off the baby, till it was clean and dripped from its head to its toes. Slowly she dried him while Effywashed number two, and stared at the baby and started to think about how tiny hewas. The longer she looked at him the more she noticed. Small ear, little eyes, and miniature paws. Its mewling little voice was the tiniest call. It barely had hair but what little it had was white, black, and grey. Just like Merlin had.

“They’re all so tiny.” Gabriel said from the window, the mare and the stallion looked in over his shoulder. The mare offered advice, as she’d been a midwife, and Jazz followed instructions quite well. Three pups arrived safely andwere all cleaned and dried, then laid with their mother before they all cried.

“I don’t know how I can thank you all.” Mary said. “But you must please excuse me, my pups must be fed.” They all settled down, chatting amongst themselves. Little Joe started crying, he was so overwhelmed.

“Look,” said Merlin, and nodded at the clock. “How did it get so late? It’s long after midnight.

“So they’re Christmas babies.” Said Gabriel. “What will you call them? Have you decided yet?”

I’ll call this little girl Carol, and the other one Joy. But I don’t know what to call this little boy pup.” Mary said.

“I’ve got an idea.” Merlin said to them all.

So have I, my dear Merlin, but it doesn’t feel right,” Joe said, “to call a puppy Jesus.” Joe licked the pups head.

“Joe, my friend, I agree. But since he looks just like me” Merlin said with a wink. “I was going to say Merlin. What do you think?

They all fell about laughing while the babies slept on, nuzzled in tight against Mary.

From the corner of his eye Gabriel saw a figure approaching quite fast. Sophie looked very worried, and Effy, Merlin, and Jazz gulped loudly. They jumped up at the window and all looked outside, paws resting on the window ledge. Sophie didn’t look happy, with her coat pulled tight, and her hat on her head.

“They shouldn’t be here all alone.” Effy said. “My mum will be upset about this.”

“What if we hide them?” The grey mare said. “She can’t be upset about what she can’t see.”

“I’m not sure that is such a good idea.” Effy frowned. “Mummy feeds me and doesn’t like lies.”

“Well, what will she do? The pup’s are new born and it’s snowing and freezing outside.”

“I don’t really know it’s never happened before.”

“We’ll go away, so she doesn’t see us.” The stallion said.

“Too late.” Said Gabriel as he flapped his wings and took off. “You’re a little bit too big to miss.” He landed on top of the roof and watched a wonderful, amazing sight.

Sophie walked carefully past the big horses, stood in the courtyard of The Old Stables. She opened the door and then went inside as people had reported strange noises that she had to investigate. Jazz, Merlin and Effy ran into the bathroom, pulling the door shut behind them. Joe stood before Mary, tiny teeth barred and ready, to defend his family every way he knew how.

Sophie opened the door and looked around the room, and noticed Joe and Mary were there. She held out her hand for Joe to sniff and asked, “Where are your mum and dad, little man?”

Of course Joe told her the answer. But being a human she didn’t understand.

“Oh, look at your little babies, no wonder people heard strange noises before.” She knelt down beside Mary’s basket, but didn’t touch the newborn pups. She knew mummy’s could often be wary of strangers near their babies, and didn’t want to upset May at all. “I’ll have to call your mum and dad, and tell them they shouldn’t have left you. But I think I’ll stay here till they get back, and make sure everything’s all right till then.” So Sophie called Christian and Angela, who were terribly sorry for the fuss. They came back to The Old Stables so quickly that there really was no problem.

Gabriel watched from the roof top with the mare and the stallion below. It was a beautiful night with snow on the ground and the flickering star, and smilesfor everyone around.  

Christmas at Deepdale is always something special, but this one topped the charts. Mary, Joe, and their puppies, so tiny and sweet, had arrived and captured allour hearts.


Thursday 5 December 2013

Surprise for the Christmas Market this weekend.

Peoples, fans, followers, and Spaniels, lend me your ears...not literally, mine works perfickly fanks, I mean listen up. I've been working on a special, extra special treat for you all at the Christmas Market. I likes to call it my Christmas Present to you alls.

I've 'structed Mummy to put up Merlin's Magic Paws round the Market. If you find them all, tell one of my staffs in the Infomation Centre and they'll give you a present from me. 

Now, come closer...closer...closer...ow, not on my feets. 

What the staffs don't know yet, is that I've written you all a story. It's an extra special true life's Christmas story...just for you. The key to it is on the present. Shhhh. Don't tell the staffs...I've not got them Christmas presents this year.

So remember your mission, peoples, find the paws, tell the staffs all the colours, get the present and use the key. Simples. Fank you please. Merlin rules.



Tuesday 12 November 2013

Woof Watchers

Peoples, for weeks now I has been mostly eating dust, grass, and stolen cat poop. The pet Doc said Jazz was looking 'tubby' and I had losted my waistline. Don't like that pet Doc no more 'cos mummy and the 'Uman 'sisted we go on a diet after this news. Evil things diets. Dont like 'em. I is Merlin de First, I needs treats!

Yesterday I understood mummy's hatred of these fings...


So people's I climbded aboard and sitted down. I tried to trick the weigher by giving mummy a paw. Didn't work. Moment later pet Doc (a new one) gave the verdict. 1kg losted in three weeks. Get in! I rocks, People's. I rocks. 

Jazzy the tubby (sniggering behind my paw) got on next and she'd losted a grand total of 300gms. No I didn't  speled that rong. 300grams. Also kown as -- nothing. 

Do you know what that mean's, people's?

No?

It mean's the diet continues.


Do I look happy to you? All doggie bags gratefully received at Starving Pooch, P.O. Box 300. Feed me, UK.

Thank you please, Merlin Rules.