I demands a recount peoples!

I might be smilin peoples, but that is just for the camera. Tonight at skool Jazz wonned the 'gility course. She gots the fastest time of evry1. 

And I gots number 4. 

Somfink smells fishi, peoples. Very fishi.

Lets e'zamine the evidens.

1 - Every nite we 'as to 'ave ham. 4 pieces. I sees Mummy addin bits to sum of the ham pieces. I has chekded peoples. My ham is empty. Very, very, EMPTY.

Spicous, I finks.

2 - Every week we 'ave been goin 2 massage. Jazz gets rubbed all over by the nurse while I gets to lie on the floor and be ignoreded. These peoples don't no who I is! This rubbin stuff is sup'osed to be for her afritis. In her shoulder.

Seems, like a condi...dition....fing that would slow her down. Spicous more.

3 - Swimin. Every week for her afritis we has to go to hidroferapi. The lady takes her in a huge bath of clean warm water and makes her swim. I has a go 2, 'cos I is Merlin de First.

Again, this would leads me, Merlin de First, Queen of all I surveys, to fink she be slower...not faster than before. Much spicous. 

So, peoples this is my evidens. Jazz 'as afritis so no ways cud she beats me in a fair race. I read 'bout 'formance e'hancin drugs on the tinterweb, peoples. 

I finks we shud take a close look at that ham. That's all I'm sayin.

Hunting for the Force!

The book said it is the longest vertical drop waterfall in Engerland. I hads to find it people's. it was imper...periti...impertita...very 'portant! It's called Scales Force, and it's just off Crummock Water. So off we sets for the waterfall.

The path was...erm...pants. Even I couldn't find it all the time and I walked through the river at some points. Mummy rock hopped up the river and the 'Uman...kinda walked/stumbled through the mud.

When we finally got there it was mostly frozen. But Mummy said it was pretty. Didn't look all that big to me.

'Uman Training

I 'ave trained the 'Uman very, very well. Couple of days ago we went 'venturin up a mountain called Blencathra. It's now bagged, and this is where I learnded of my supa power. Come closer...I will 'splane.

We conkered the top and went back down a little bit out if the wind to have us butty break. To none Yorkshire/northern British folk...this means lunch. Mummy pulled out of her bag the little cooker, water, squeezy tubes of soup, and a flat bread thingy. When she got the water hotting up she pulled out an extra fleece to go under her coat to stop her getting cold, and a mat to sit on...same reason. Mummy is not well trained for Merlin's...it's really the other way round here. Howeva my supa power is over the 'Uman. Out if her bag she pulled out a big pouch of dog food. No little cooker. She pulled out a packet of Jumbone dog treats. No spare fleece to stop her getting cold. The extra little bottle of water she carried...dog water. I like Volvic bestest...but at a push Evian will do. I quite like the strawberry flavour I sometimes make her share wiv me too.

So I have 'cided I should use my supa powers for the good of all collies and my new career is to train 'Umans. I have setted up a website. It is www.'Umantrainin.co.uk/numpti'srevriwear charges and so on are all 'splained there. I can teach your 'Uman how to special treat YOU.

Oh and the mountain was good too.